hm...I don't really have anything to write about.
Plus there is the fact that I don't think anyone even reads my blog.
It's not like there's anything seriously exciting on it.
Right now I'm listening to my Hip-Hop US History CD.
It's pretty funny.
The guy also does SAT preps.
Flocabulary.
It really helps me remember stuff.
I am so bored right now.
I have to go to school soon.
You know even though I'm still on spring break.
I am so pathetic.
Since nobody is reading this I guess I can just post this stupid thing.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
Boys
So why are boys so infuriating?
I love boys, I am what one would call majorly boy crazy, but really I don't know anything about them. I know they usually smell really good. And I know that they can be really sweet.
But now I also now know that they are only really sweet if they are trying to get something. They're only nice when they want something from you.
Why is that???
I don't know how to act around boys and it seems I usually get myself into trouble. Either I like them too much or they like me too much or I'm just an idiot and I completely fuck everything up. I know I have a problem, but I can't help it. I love boys, I just don't know how to treat them.
I wish it were easier, if their egos weren't so easily bruised or if you could relate to them like another girl or if there were a manual. And I know when they say something, that's what they mean. Unlike girls who say one thing and mean something completely opposite of that. They should be easy to handle but they aren't and I really want to know why!
I always have to guard my heart. I'm afraid now. I feel like I can't trust anyone and I know that I need to deal with that but I don't think I'm ready to yet. I wish I could just fix all my personal problems. It would make life seriously easier. I don't mean to hurt people, it kinda just happens cause I don't know how to act. And I hate the lectures I get from my mother about it! I have enough problems that I don't need to deal with her input!
I really don't want to hurt anyone but it seems that's all I'm good at. The mocking and the mean comebacks and commments. It's funny and it seems to be all in good fun but I hurt people, especially the boys and their fragile egos.
Maybe if I find someone as cynical and evil as me I'd be better off. Maybe then I could be done and just live in the boyfriend bliss.
I have actually seriously considered the whole "friends with benefits" thing. It just seems so mush easier, and I know I shouldn't opt for the easy way out. But without all the messy emotions, fwb would work. You can have someone, but it doesn't mean anything and you don't have to worry about calling them or them calling you because it doesn't mean anything! It is just easier to me. I cut off my emotions to protect myself. I can't get hurt if I'm heartless can I?
My friends all say I have a total grinch heart. Practically nonexistant you know. But I just feel like if I don't put myself out there I can't get hurt. And the hurt really really hurts. I actually feel like crying all the time. And I don't like to cry in fact earlier this week once I started, I couldn't stop and it wasn't very helpful because I was in the middle of class and someone actually told me later that day that it was nice to see me cry because it "humanized" me and made me seem like less of a "robot."
I was quite apalled at first, but then I thought about it and I was kind of complimented. I hide my emotions. I don't like people to know how I feel because then it's just another tool they can hurt me with. I just bottle everything up which I know is completely unhealthy, but it's well, you guessed it, easier.
I recently hurt I guess two people. The first, I'll call Clark, I really care about him. I felt like he didn't like me as much as I like him though and now it's so totally over. I was really mean because I was trying to protect myself and my heart. The guy that I thought I might have actually been able to fall in love with out of anyone at my school would be him. He was so great for me. He was sweet and smart and nerdy which I love and he would walk me home after school and carry my books home for me. He was perfect except, he wouldn't take charge. I felt like I was making all the decisions and I didn't like that. So I pushed him away. The truth is though that I was really hoping he would push me back. I saw a secret on PostSecret.com and it said "Some people put up walls to block other people out, other people put up walls because they are hoping the people they care about will knock them down. I wanted Clark to knock down the walls. He didn't. If he had I'd be very happy right now and this post wouldn't even exist. But I'm not over him. It hurts everytime I think about him, everytime I see him, my heart, at least what's left of it, physically hurts all the time.
The second guy, umm, Peter? He likes me and he was seriously obvious about it but he did't actually come out and say it. We became friends, we went to movies and hung out and stuff, but I guess I didn't really really know his intentions, I mean I did have a vague idea. But apparently, he was only hanging out with me because he was trying to get close to me. He doesn't even want to be my friend anymore and I didn't say that I didn't like him. I mean I didn't say I did either, I didn't even get a chance to talk to him about it, he just assumed something and flew off the handle. I really didn't mean to hurt his feelings. And I do have so much fun with him. He makes me laugh and smile and he is also pretty smart but he's like two years younger than me. And I know guys minds don't work that way I guess, they just don't think about restrictions like age. I have no problem dating younger, he just seems so young sometimes. But oddly at other times he's so beyond his years. He's a really really great person...guy, guyperson (hahaha...that was funny to me, guyperson...I'm a little weird, don't judge me.) and I love hanging out with him, but now I don't think he'll even talk to me ever again.
So this brings me back to my questions, not only what should I do?
But why do boys act like this?
Thanks for reading my terribly long ramblings and maybe even commenting on the lunacy that you see before you.
I love boys, I am what one would call majorly boy crazy, but really I don't know anything about them. I know they usually smell really good. And I know that they can be really sweet.
But now I also now know that they are only really sweet if they are trying to get something. They're only nice when they want something from you.
Why is that???
I don't know how to act around boys and it seems I usually get myself into trouble. Either I like them too much or they like me too much or I'm just an idiot and I completely fuck everything up. I know I have a problem, but I can't help it. I love boys, I just don't know how to treat them.
I wish it were easier, if their egos weren't so easily bruised or if you could relate to them like another girl or if there were a manual. And I know when they say something, that's what they mean. Unlike girls who say one thing and mean something completely opposite of that. They should be easy to handle but they aren't and I really want to know why!
I always have to guard my heart. I'm afraid now. I feel like I can't trust anyone and I know that I need to deal with that but I don't think I'm ready to yet. I wish I could just fix all my personal problems. It would make life seriously easier. I don't mean to hurt people, it kinda just happens cause I don't know how to act. And I hate the lectures I get from my mother about it! I have enough problems that I don't need to deal with her input!
I really don't want to hurt anyone but it seems that's all I'm good at. The mocking and the mean comebacks and commments. It's funny and it seems to be all in good fun but I hurt people, especially the boys and their fragile egos.
Maybe if I find someone as cynical and evil as me I'd be better off. Maybe then I could be done and just live in the boyfriend bliss.
I have actually seriously considered the whole "friends with benefits" thing. It just seems so mush easier, and I know I shouldn't opt for the easy way out. But without all the messy emotions, fwb would work. You can have someone, but it doesn't mean anything and you don't have to worry about calling them or them calling you because it doesn't mean anything! It is just easier to me. I cut off my emotions to protect myself. I can't get hurt if I'm heartless can I?
My friends all say I have a total grinch heart. Practically nonexistant you know. But I just feel like if I don't put myself out there I can't get hurt. And the hurt really really hurts. I actually feel like crying all the time. And I don't like to cry in fact earlier this week once I started, I couldn't stop and it wasn't very helpful because I was in the middle of class and someone actually told me later that day that it was nice to see me cry because it "humanized" me and made me seem like less of a "robot."
I was quite apalled at first, but then I thought about it and I was kind of complimented. I hide my emotions. I don't like people to know how I feel because then it's just another tool they can hurt me with. I just bottle everything up which I know is completely unhealthy, but it's well, you guessed it, easier.
I recently hurt I guess two people. The first, I'll call Clark, I really care about him. I felt like he didn't like me as much as I like him though and now it's so totally over. I was really mean because I was trying to protect myself and my heart. The guy that I thought I might have actually been able to fall in love with out of anyone at my school would be him. He was so great for me. He was sweet and smart and nerdy which I love and he would walk me home after school and carry my books home for me. He was perfect except, he wouldn't take charge. I felt like I was making all the decisions and I didn't like that. So I pushed him away. The truth is though that I was really hoping he would push me back. I saw a secret on PostSecret.com and it said "Some people put up walls to block other people out, other people put up walls because they are hoping the people they care about will knock them down. I wanted Clark to knock down the walls. He didn't. If he had I'd be very happy right now and this post wouldn't even exist. But I'm not over him. It hurts everytime I think about him, everytime I see him, my heart, at least what's left of it, physically hurts all the time.
The second guy, umm, Peter? He likes me and he was seriously obvious about it but he did't actually come out and say it. We became friends, we went to movies and hung out and stuff, but I guess I didn't really really know his intentions, I mean I did have a vague idea. But apparently, he was only hanging out with me because he was trying to get close to me. He doesn't even want to be my friend anymore and I didn't say that I didn't like him. I mean I didn't say I did either, I didn't even get a chance to talk to him about it, he just assumed something and flew off the handle. I really didn't mean to hurt his feelings. And I do have so much fun with him. He makes me laugh and smile and he is also pretty smart but he's like two years younger than me. And I know guys minds don't work that way I guess, they just don't think about restrictions like age. I have no problem dating younger, he just seems so young sometimes. But oddly at other times he's so beyond his years. He's a really really great person...guy, guyperson (hahaha...that was funny to me, guyperson...I'm a little weird, don't judge me.) and I love hanging out with him, but now I don't think he'll even talk to me ever again.
So this brings me back to my questions, not only what should I do?
But why do boys act like this?
Thanks for reading my terribly long ramblings and maybe even commenting on the lunacy that you see before you.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Funny Weather
California is funny. It's November and it's 80 degrees.
I just find that funny.
I grew up in a place where it rains nine months of the year.
Yet, I've become a California girl. I'm a beach loving, sale rack scavenging, tan, fun in the sun, California girl.
So even if in November if it does get cold (like last week it was like 50 degrees outside.) It is suddenly time to pull out the scarves and long sleeved shirts and jackets and winter coats.
I used be able to walk around in a t-shirt in this weather. Maybe a have a sweater. When we moved here I could do that.
When did 65 degrees suddenly mean a down jacket?
When did I become such a baby?
I just find that funny.
I grew up in a place where it rains nine months of the year.
Yet, I've become a California girl. I'm a beach loving, sale rack scavenging, tan, fun in the sun, California girl.
So even if in November if it does get cold (like last week it was like 50 degrees outside.) It is suddenly time to pull out the scarves and long sleeved shirts and jackets and winter coats.
I used be able to walk around in a t-shirt in this weather. Maybe a have a sweater. When we moved here I could do that.
When did 65 degrees suddenly mean a down jacket?
When did I become such a baby?
Monday, November 12, 2007
I've returned!
I know I kinda fell off the face of the earth, but life has been really crazy for me lately. I'm all over the place. School started like, 2 months ago. From my AP classes to fall play rehearsal to everything in between, I just haven't had time to enter the blogesphere.
Veteran's day was a welcomed break! My AP History class is going to kill me. There is so much work. DBQ worksheets, simulations, studying, presentations, it goes on and on. There are quizzes both planned and pop. Of course, don't forget the section tests. 80 questions to be answered in no more than 50 minutes. Yet, I kinda love it. I like the lectures. PowerPoint is my new love. I actually made one for a presentation on friday. It was amazing and it took me an hour and a half. I go into her classroom before the bell for first and since I made the PowerPoint on a mac, it's not compatable with her computer, a Dell. I was so sad! It was a beautiful PowerPoint and it wasn't compatable!
The other class that is preying a slow death (is that an okay phrase?) is Advanced Auto. I love that class, but the only other girl in the class is my lab partner. 2 girls and 20 guys. 20 guys! If that's not intimidating, I don't know what is. It's a totally fun class. I love it, but, do they have to act so, "arrrrgh" , like the way stupid boys act? At least 2/3 of the class is completely ignorant. They couldn't seem to grasp the vegetarian thing. How since I've never eaten meat, like ever, technically I'm allergic. Eating would make me sick. My stomach can't digest it. They just don't get it! They're just like "would you eat a steak if I gave $50,000?" Idiots! Also, I have no idea what I'm doing in that class. At least since my lab partner and I are the only girls, Mr. J gives us the answers. Well, if we get it right he tells us. It really miffs some of the other guys. We did a lab that these other group took 7 shop days to do in 3. Hahahahahahaha! Survival of the fittest baby!
I love school. That's partly why I'm torn about how I feel about three day weekends, let alone two day weekends. I miss school. I just really like it. It's fun to me. I'm the weirdo fluke kid who likes school and in-class essays and lectures and notes and STAR WARS! (that's only weird for a girl.)
I'm in the fall play. I started out as an understudy for two parts. Then I became assistant scpript manager as well. Then I gained the coveted 2nd assistant director spot. I've also been placed as prop manager. And now on top of all of that, I'm a swing. Since the we've started rehearsal, I've understudied for every part but those I'm actually understudy for. So, the director made me a swing. It's really cool. That's the payoff I get though. I've missed one rehearsal (and that was for a movie premeire in the Kodak screening room in Hollywood. Totally worth missing rehearsal.), I'm never late and I've even been to all the tap rehearsals. I'm there more than some of the actual cast members. I'm there so often the forgets I'm only an understudy. I just hope it really helps me out when I try out for the musical. I know I won't get a lead in the musical. I certainly can't sing that well. But a chorus spot would make me happy. I can sing well enough for that at least. Plus, the director knows I'm committed. He knows I'll always be there. I can't wait. This year is probably going to be the best year of school yet. Look out world, here I come!
Veteran's day was a welcomed break! My AP History class is going to kill me. There is so much work. DBQ worksheets, simulations, studying, presentations, it goes on and on. There are quizzes both planned and pop. Of course, don't forget the section tests. 80 questions to be answered in no more than 50 minutes. Yet, I kinda love it. I like the lectures. PowerPoint is my new love. I actually made one for a presentation on friday. It was amazing and it took me an hour and a half. I go into her classroom before the bell for first and since I made the PowerPoint on a mac, it's not compatable with her computer, a Dell. I was so sad! It was a beautiful PowerPoint and it wasn't compatable!
The other class that is preying a slow death (is that an okay phrase?) is Advanced Auto. I love that class, but the only other girl in the class is my lab partner. 2 girls and 20 guys. 20 guys! If that's not intimidating, I don't know what is. It's a totally fun class. I love it, but, do they have to act so, "arrrrgh" , like the way stupid boys act? At least 2/3 of the class is completely ignorant. They couldn't seem to grasp the vegetarian thing. How since I've never eaten meat, like ever, technically I'm allergic. Eating would make me sick. My stomach can't digest it. They just don't get it! They're just like "would you eat a steak if I gave $50,000?" Idiots! Also, I have no idea what I'm doing in that class. At least since my lab partner and I are the only girls, Mr. J gives us the answers. Well, if we get it right he tells us. It really miffs some of the other guys. We did a lab that these other group took 7 shop days to do in 3. Hahahahahahaha! Survival of the fittest baby!
I love school. That's partly why I'm torn about how I feel about three day weekends, let alone two day weekends. I miss school. I just really like it. It's fun to me. I'm the weirdo fluke kid who likes school and in-class essays and lectures and notes and STAR WARS! (that's only weird for a girl.)
I'm in the fall play. I started out as an understudy for two parts. Then I became assistant scpript manager as well. Then I gained the coveted 2nd assistant director spot. I've also been placed as prop manager. And now on top of all of that, I'm a swing. Since the we've started rehearsal, I've understudied for every part but those I'm actually understudy for. So, the director made me a swing. It's really cool. That's the payoff I get though. I've missed one rehearsal (and that was for a movie premeire in the Kodak screening room in Hollywood. Totally worth missing rehearsal.), I'm never late and I've even been to all the tap rehearsals. I'm there more than some of the actual cast members. I'm there so often the forgets I'm only an understudy. I just hope it really helps me out when I try out for the musical. I know I won't get a lead in the musical. I certainly can't sing that well. But a chorus spot would make me happy. I can sing well enough for that at least. Plus, the director knows I'm committed. He knows I'll always be there. I can't wait. This year is probably going to be the best year of school yet. Look out world, here I come!
Monday, July 30, 2007
Stop the Genocide
In Darfur, Sudan in Africa, there is a genocide occuring. A slaughter that is being ignored not only by the United States, but also by the UN who have yet to recognize it as a genocide. Since February 2003, 400,000 civillians have been killed while 2.5 MILLION women, children, and other people have been dislocated. Many have fled into the welcoing arms of Chad, the neighboring country.
The Janjaweed forces have used rape, displacement, and MASS STARVATION to begin to wipe out this race of people. Whole villages have been destroyed and families have been seperated. The last time this many people died was during Rwawandain the early 90's. By the time the US got involved then, it was too late and hundreds of thousands of people had already died.
Get involved. Help stop the genocide that has been raging for nearly 4 1/2 years. Urge your governor, senator, and our President to do something. Join an organization to stop the suffering. There are many sites willing to help the starving people in Darfur.
This is no different than the Armenian Genocide or The Holocaust. Apart from the fact that we hold the power to put an end to it. I urge you to get involved. We can help these people if just band together. As one, we can help then survive.
STOP THE GENOCIDE!!!
The Janjaweed forces have used rape, displacement, and MASS STARVATION to begin to wipe out this race of people. Whole villages have been destroyed and families have been seperated. The last time this many people died was during Rwawandain the early 90's. By the time the US got involved then, it was too late and hundreds of thousands of people had already died.
Get involved. Help stop the genocide that has been raging for nearly 4 1/2 years. Urge your governor, senator, and our President to do something. Join an organization to stop the suffering. There are many sites willing to help the starving people in Darfur.
This is no different than the Armenian Genocide or The Holocaust. Apart from the fact that we hold the power to put an end to it. I urge you to get involved. We can help these people if just band together. As one, we can help then survive.
STOP THE GENOCIDE!!!
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