hm...I don't really have anything to write about.
Plus there is the fact that I don't think anyone even reads my blog.
It's not like there's anything seriously exciting on it.
Right now I'm listening to my Hip-Hop US History CD.
It's pretty funny.
The guy also does SAT preps.
Flocabulary.
It really helps me remember stuff.
I am so bored right now.
I have to go to school soon.
You know even though I'm still on spring break.
I am so pathetic.
Since nobody is reading this I guess I can just post this stupid thing.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
Boys
So why are boys so infuriating?
I love boys, I am what one would call majorly boy crazy, but really I don't know anything about them. I know they usually smell really good. And I know that they can be really sweet.
But now I also now know that they are only really sweet if they are trying to get something. They're only nice when they want something from you.
Why is that???
I don't know how to act around boys and it seems I usually get myself into trouble. Either I like them too much or they like me too much or I'm just an idiot and I completely fuck everything up. I know I have a problem, but I can't help it. I love boys, I just don't know how to treat them.
I wish it were easier, if their egos weren't so easily bruised or if you could relate to them like another girl or if there were a manual. And I know when they say something, that's what they mean. Unlike girls who say one thing and mean something completely opposite of that. They should be easy to handle but they aren't and I really want to know why!
I always have to guard my heart. I'm afraid now. I feel like I can't trust anyone and I know that I need to deal with that but I don't think I'm ready to yet. I wish I could just fix all my personal problems. It would make life seriously easier. I don't mean to hurt people, it kinda just happens cause I don't know how to act. And I hate the lectures I get from my mother about it! I have enough problems that I don't need to deal with her input!
I really don't want to hurt anyone but it seems that's all I'm good at. The mocking and the mean comebacks and commments. It's funny and it seems to be all in good fun but I hurt people, especially the boys and their fragile egos.
Maybe if I find someone as cynical and evil as me I'd be better off. Maybe then I could be done and just live in the boyfriend bliss.
I have actually seriously considered the whole "friends with benefits" thing. It just seems so mush easier, and I know I shouldn't opt for the easy way out. But without all the messy emotions, fwb would work. You can have someone, but it doesn't mean anything and you don't have to worry about calling them or them calling you because it doesn't mean anything! It is just easier to me. I cut off my emotions to protect myself. I can't get hurt if I'm heartless can I?
My friends all say I have a total grinch heart. Practically nonexistant you know. But I just feel like if I don't put myself out there I can't get hurt. And the hurt really really hurts. I actually feel like crying all the time. And I don't like to cry in fact earlier this week once I started, I couldn't stop and it wasn't very helpful because I was in the middle of class and someone actually told me later that day that it was nice to see me cry because it "humanized" me and made me seem like less of a "robot."
I was quite apalled at first, but then I thought about it and I was kind of complimented. I hide my emotions. I don't like people to know how I feel because then it's just another tool they can hurt me with. I just bottle everything up which I know is completely unhealthy, but it's well, you guessed it, easier.
I recently hurt I guess two people. The first, I'll call Clark, I really care about him. I felt like he didn't like me as much as I like him though and now it's so totally over. I was really mean because I was trying to protect myself and my heart. The guy that I thought I might have actually been able to fall in love with out of anyone at my school would be him. He was so great for me. He was sweet and smart and nerdy which I love and he would walk me home after school and carry my books home for me. He was perfect except, he wouldn't take charge. I felt like I was making all the decisions and I didn't like that. So I pushed him away. The truth is though that I was really hoping he would push me back. I saw a secret on PostSecret.com and it said "Some people put up walls to block other people out, other people put up walls because they are hoping the people they care about will knock them down. I wanted Clark to knock down the walls. He didn't. If he had I'd be very happy right now and this post wouldn't even exist. But I'm not over him. It hurts everytime I think about him, everytime I see him, my heart, at least what's left of it, physically hurts all the time.
The second guy, umm, Peter? He likes me and he was seriously obvious about it but he did't actually come out and say it. We became friends, we went to movies and hung out and stuff, but I guess I didn't really really know his intentions, I mean I did have a vague idea. But apparently, he was only hanging out with me because he was trying to get close to me. He doesn't even want to be my friend anymore and I didn't say that I didn't like him. I mean I didn't say I did either, I didn't even get a chance to talk to him about it, he just assumed something and flew off the handle. I really didn't mean to hurt his feelings. And I do have so much fun with him. He makes me laugh and smile and he is also pretty smart but he's like two years younger than me. And I know guys minds don't work that way I guess, they just don't think about restrictions like age. I have no problem dating younger, he just seems so young sometimes. But oddly at other times he's so beyond his years. He's a really really great person...guy, guyperson (hahaha...that was funny to me, guyperson...I'm a little weird, don't judge me.) and I love hanging out with him, but now I don't think he'll even talk to me ever again.
So this brings me back to my questions, not only what should I do?
But why do boys act like this?
Thanks for reading my terribly long ramblings and maybe even commenting on the lunacy that you see before you.
I love boys, I am what one would call majorly boy crazy, but really I don't know anything about them. I know they usually smell really good. And I know that they can be really sweet.
But now I also now know that they are only really sweet if they are trying to get something. They're only nice when they want something from you.
Why is that???
I don't know how to act around boys and it seems I usually get myself into trouble. Either I like them too much or they like me too much or I'm just an idiot and I completely fuck everything up. I know I have a problem, but I can't help it. I love boys, I just don't know how to treat them.
I wish it were easier, if their egos weren't so easily bruised or if you could relate to them like another girl or if there were a manual. And I know when they say something, that's what they mean. Unlike girls who say one thing and mean something completely opposite of that. They should be easy to handle but they aren't and I really want to know why!
I always have to guard my heart. I'm afraid now. I feel like I can't trust anyone and I know that I need to deal with that but I don't think I'm ready to yet. I wish I could just fix all my personal problems. It would make life seriously easier. I don't mean to hurt people, it kinda just happens cause I don't know how to act. And I hate the lectures I get from my mother about it! I have enough problems that I don't need to deal with her input!
I really don't want to hurt anyone but it seems that's all I'm good at. The mocking and the mean comebacks and commments. It's funny and it seems to be all in good fun but I hurt people, especially the boys and their fragile egos.
Maybe if I find someone as cynical and evil as me I'd be better off. Maybe then I could be done and just live in the boyfriend bliss.
I have actually seriously considered the whole "friends with benefits" thing. It just seems so mush easier, and I know I shouldn't opt for the easy way out. But without all the messy emotions, fwb would work. You can have someone, but it doesn't mean anything and you don't have to worry about calling them or them calling you because it doesn't mean anything! It is just easier to me. I cut off my emotions to protect myself. I can't get hurt if I'm heartless can I?
My friends all say I have a total grinch heart. Practically nonexistant you know. But I just feel like if I don't put myself out there I can't get hurt. And the hurt really really hurts. I actually feel like crying all the time. And I don't like to cry in fact earlier this week once I started, I couldn't stop and it wasn't very helpful because I was in the middle of class and someone actually told me later that day that it was nice to see me cry because it "humanized" me and made me seem like less of a "robot."
I was quite apalled at first, but then I thought about it and I was kind of complimented. I hide my emotions. I don't like people to know how I feel because then it's just another tool they can hurt me with. I just bottle everything up which I know is completely unhealthy, but it's well, you guessed it, easier.
I recently hurt I guess two people. The first, I'll call Clark, I really care about him. I felt like he didn't like me as much as I like him though and now it's so totally over. I was really mean because I was trying to protect myself and my heart. The guy that I thought I might have actually been able to fall in love with out of anyone at my school would be him. He was so great for me. He was sweet and smart and nerdy which I love and he would walk me home after school and carry my books home for me. He was perfect except, he wouldn't take charge. I felt like I was making all the decisions and I didn't like that. So I pushed him away. The truth is though that I was really hoping he would push me back. I saw a secret on PostSecret.com and it said "Some people put up walls to block other people out, other people put up walls because they are hoping the people they care about will knock them down. I wanted Clark to knock down the walls. He didn't. If he had I'd be very happy right now and this post wouldn't even exist. But I'm not over him. It hurts everytime I think about him, everytime I see him, my heart, at least what's left of it, physically hurts all the time.
The second guy, umm, Peter? He likes me and he was seriously obvious about it but he did't actually come out and say it. We became friends, we went to movies and hung out and stuff, but I guess I didn't really really know his intentions, I mean I did have a vague idea. But apparently, he was only hanging out with me because he was trying to get close to me. He doesn't even want to be my friend anymore and I didn't say that I didn't like him. I mean I didn't say I did either, I didn't even get a chance to talk to him about it, he just assumed something and flew off the handle. I really didn't mean to hurt his feelings. And I do have so much fun with him. He makes me laugh and smile and he is also pretty smart but he's like two years younger than me. And I know guys minds don't work that way I guess, they just don't think about restrictions like age. I have no problem dating younger, he just seems so young sometimes. But oddly at other times he's so beyond his years. He's a really really great person...guy, guyperson (hahaha...that was funny to me, guyperson...I'm a little weird, don't judge me.) and I love hanging out with him, but now I don't think he'll even talk to me ever again.
So this brings me back to my questions, not only what should I do?
But why do boys act like this?
Thanks for reading my terribly long ramblings and maybe even commenting on the lunacy that you see before you.
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